January 20, 2007

Doing it their Way - GenX Parents
Trish Crawford

Erin Riley is making happy memories for Generation X parents.

The 35-year-old entrepreneur is carving out a niche for herself, photographing babies as they burp, laugh, crawl about and enjoy their messiness in the casual comfort of their homes and returning frequently to chronicle their growth.

It's a far cry from traditional pictures of babies that Riley describes as "prim and proper, propped up on the couch, smiling."

Riley's service is just one example of the new baby industry that has sprung up to answer the needs of what may be the most anxious group of parents yet.

Members of Generation X - aged 30 to 40, who were born during the "bust" that came after the post-World War II baby boom - are willing to pay whatever it takes to be the best parents possible. That means, in part, hiring others to do everything from chores to specialized jobs, so mom and dad can spend more time with baby.

"The Gen X parent is hungry for knowledge," says Amy Halpenny, founder of a parenting centre in Leaside that offers classes and also acts as a resource centre. "The traditional forms of community and institutions that parents had when they became new parents don't exist any more."

There are "baby whisperers," doulas (women experienced in childbirth) and other professionals who come into your home at night and send the little one off to dreamland.

There are American Sign Language experts who help parent and child understand each other so when a toddler needs a drink, they don't have to resort to tears or tantrums.

There are professionals like Riley who provides an in-home service, saving new parents the time and effort of bundling babies up and lugging them off to photography studios.

There's no one guru for Gen X, as Dr. Benjamin Spock was for post- war parents with his Common Sense Book of Baby and Childcare and Penelope Leach was for the boomers with her Your Baby and Child.

Instead, there are lactation consultants, mothers groups, websites, drop-ins, parenting centres, books and blogs to turn to for help and advice.

This is happening for a variety of reasons, including the way older generations have remained active. They are far away, travelling perhaps, or are still working themselves. As a result, Generation X, which grew up scrambling to make a living in an economy glutted with not-yet-retired boomers, has learned how to be innovative problem-solvers.

"We don't have grannies," says former Torontonian Emily Steed, 39, who is married with two young children and living in New York City. "I am outsourcing as much as I can of the administration of the house."

That means hiring a doula, who assisted with the birth and the baby's first weeks at home, and a cleaning lady, who is paid an extra $10 weekly to do the ironing. Steed, a lawyer who is taking time off, plans to return to work this spring. At that point, she'll arrange day care and have food delivered.

"Dinner will have to take care of itself," she says, "either crock pots, sandwiches or take-out."

Halpenny, the entrepreneur who opened the Ella Centre for Pregnancy and Parenting in Leaside three years ago, says women in particular seem more willing to pay for the help they need instead of trying to go it alone.

"I don't think the Super Mom myth is as powerful as it was in the '90s."

Lisa McCabe, 38, a Toronto chiropractor who has a cleaning lady and frequently orders in dinners to have more time with 3-month-old Liam McCabe Tissot, says the common wisdom now is to focus on the baby and forget the floors.

"Being a Super Mom is not promoted by the family doctor. He says, sleep when the baby sleeps."

McCabe, who attends the Ella program, turned to a lactation consultant for help with her newborn and blessed the fact the woman came to her home. (McCabe's mom, 60, was no help, having bottle-fed her own baby).

Another aspect of Gen X parenting is the expanded father's role. McCabe's husband Bertrand Tissot, a financial advisor, has his job list on the door of the fridge that he checks off each night after folding the laundry, taking out the garbage and doing the dishes.

Jacqueline Frazer, 40, a stay-at-home Toronto mother of two children under the age of 2, is another resourceful member of Generation X. One of the things she has done to reduce conflict with her 21-month-old son is teach him American Sign Language, so he can ask for juice or a snack.

Like many Gen Xers, Frazer says she is open to new ideas about child-rearing and looking to non-traditional sources for information. She relies more on other mothers than on her family doctor.

"People our age understand that doctors are just educated guessers, particularly when it comes to parenting," she says.

Mothers groups are important to these women, providing a sisterhood of support and a treasure trove of child-rearing insight. This is another natural consequence of few family supports.

When her daughter was born three years ago, Rachael McCaig joined the Metro Mother's Network, which has numerous branches throughout the city providing informed discussion groups as well as group play time. Sessions cover everything from nutrition to post-partum depression.

McCaig, a 33-year-old actor whose parents are in their 70s, notes that Gen Xers don't necessarily want older generations helping out. Nor would she turn to boomers for advice - they are raising undisciplined kids "who think the world owes them a living," she says. "We are raising our own kids so differently."

Daughter Molly already knows she must pick up all her toys and put them away after playing or she won't get to play with them for a couple of days.

Frazer, too, says kids need to be taught to be responsible.

"I find teenagers today don't have a lot of discipline. Parents are trying to be their friends and not parents."

The dozen women in her mothers group share this concern. In a problem such as correcting rudeness on the playground, "we make sure we are fair and tough," she says.

Many of these parents are strict in other ways. "We are very scheduled," says Amanda Voegeli, 31, whose son Spencer will be 1 on Jan. 29. "We all believe in the importance of sleep. "My son goes to bed at 6 30 at night and doesn't get up until 6 30 in the morning. Most mums do this. The philosophy is sleep begets sleep."

She admits there was a little "tough love" at first to get the baby on schedule but now "he just knows it is bedtime" and there are no tears or foot-dragging. She used the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, (Marc Weissbluth, Random House), which she recommends to all her friends. "I realized the benefits," she says. "He is so happy."

Voegeli is against exposing her young son to television because of concern that early watching may be related to attention deficit disorder. When she was a child, her mother worked outside the home and television was the baby sitter, she says. "I don't ever remember being told not to watch TV. That is how we entertained ourselves from 3 until 6 p.m." Tracey Ruiz, 36, is a Toronto sleep doula, which means she does house calls and teaches parents how to get baby to go to sleep. Parents call her "because they are exhausted," says Ruiz. "There is no support for the Gen Xers," she says. "Their parents are probably still working."

Her own parents, ages 60 and 64, are travelling. "I remember getting a call from my grandmother every weekend as a child. But my parents see my children (ages 7 and 9) every two months.." So the substitute grandma comes over and teaches the Five S's of getting the baby to sleep - swaddling, shushing, side/stomach placement (then placed again on the back), swinging and sucking - promoted by Dr. Harvey Karp, an American pediatrician and author of Happiest Baby on the Block.
Ruiz also supplies night support for families, doing light housekeeping while they get their rest.

"We are transitioning families," she says. "Our job is to help them fit into their new role."

Photographer Erin Riley, $250 a session, lifeoriley.com

Alyson Schafer, alyson.ca

Ella Centre for Pregnancy and Parenting, $225 for six-week programs, contact Amy Halpenny, ellacentre.com

Tracey Ruiz, sleep doula, $35 an hour, sleepdoula.com

Wee Hands, starts at $45 per family, WeeHands.com